The "say goodbye to April" edition
I've come to the realization that writing is just not my favorite thing to do. I started a blog thinking I would write down my ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc, however, I'd much rather be doing things like being outside with the mower, catching up with what's going on in the world, watching tv or a movie, or sweeping up dog hair. I've decided that I will only write when I feel the impetus to do so. Having said that, I do need to keep my writing skills honed somehow so I will continue, on a regular basis, with my weekly email.
Bring in da noise: Every spring the downy woodpeckers start pecking away furiously. A few years ago they would peck on our tv antenna on the roof. Then, all of a sudden, they started pecking on a street sign we have a few feet from our house. It's cute seeing them on the sign, peeking around the corner as they peck away. If I'm outside and not expecting it, it is a bit startling. Sometimes another woodpecker will answer their call from one of the many trees in our yard. It's not cute during the day when I'm trying to sleep. The woodpeckers do seem to enjoy making noise and they don't care how much noise they make. There's something to be admired in that. Many of us go around making sure we aren't noisy or cause a commotion. We may spend our days saying, or even hearing, things such as "Shh," "Keep your voice down," or "Be quiet." Why? Why don't we make more noise? On the nights I'm off, if I wake up too early I don't hear the birds singing outside but then, all of a sudden, they start their morning songs. It's as if they have an internal alarm clock and they know exactly when to start singing. We should be more like the birds and sing out more; make more noise. We've got a mouth we might as well use it. There are moments when being loud would be improper and it doesn't hurt to have some awareness of when to keep it down, however, when one has an instrument it should be used or else it becomes rusty; kind of like foreign languages, if you don't use it, you lose it.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Thanks to my friend Lady Di for this one.
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO April 1, 2006
Dear President Bush: I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
An ardent fan of yours
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO April 1, 2006
Dear President Bush: I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
An ardent fan of yours
United until death
I went to see the film United 93 and before I get into reviewing the film, I want to say that I went into this movie as objective as possible. I did my best to imagine that this was just another Hollywood action movie and not a film that whose trailer alone caused sobbing and yelling from audience members. One chain in NYC even pulled the trailer when upset moviegoers complained. Needless to say, the objection thing didn't work; not for long anyway.
Director Paul Greengrass (yes, that's his real name), director of The Bourne Supremacy and Bloody Sunday, has created a taut, moving, and visceral film that pays homage to the passengers of the ill-fated flight. The flight is one of four that was hijacked less than 5 years ago on September 11, 2001. Lest you think Greengrass was cavalier in making the film, he secured the blessings of each family who had a loved one on the flight. Once he had each family's blessing, he heavily researched for the film. He used transcripts of calls made by people on the plane, cockpit recordings, The 9/11 Commission Report (a must-have by the way), and anything else he could get his hands on. This film is the real deal. It's told in real time and Greengrass cuts from the commotion on the plane to the confusion on the ground as the realization of what is happening comes to light.
Most of the actors in the film are unknown; very unkown. However, wherever possible, Greengrass used real-life standins. For example, the guy who portrays Capt. Jason Dahl is an actual United pilot. Ben Sliney, the manager of the FAA, plays himself; actual stewardesses are used and the character of Mark Bingham, the passenger anxious to get the revolt started, is played by Cheyenne Jackson, a gay male. Bingham's mom announced that her son Mark was gay after the tragedy occurred.
The most shocking thing about the film is not what's happening in the air but what's happening on the ground. The military, FAA, and communications centers deal with conflicting information, no information, and the right information too late. It's disheartening how unprepared ground control really was. It's also disheartening that the revolt in the air didn't start sooner. However, once the passengers realize the terrorist with the bomb doesn't have an actual bomb, it's anything goes; and it does.
The movie is disturbing and I mentioned earlier that I tried to watch it objectively, however, Greengrass has created such a vivid depiction of the flight that objectivity turns into raw emotion and horror and doesn't go back. At one point I found myself asking, 'What's the point of this?' The point is to present a film that is a testament to the passengers who didn't take the hijacking lying down and Greengrass delivers in that respect; tenfold. While we don't know exactly what happened in that plane, we do know that the passengers foiled the attempts of the terrorists to crash into the White House. The Americans struck back with a valiant attempt at freedom.
Director Paul Greengrass (yes, that's his real name), director of The Bourne Supremacy and Bloody Sunday, has created a taut, moving, and visceral film that pays homage to the passengers of the ill-fated flight. The flight is one of four that was hijacked less than 5 years ago on September 11, 2001. Lest you think Greengrass was cavalier in making the film, he secured the blessings of each family who had a loved one on the flight. Once he had each family's blessing, he heavily researched for the film. He used transcripts of calls made by people on the plane, cockpit recordings, The 9/11 Commission Report (a must-have by the way), and anything else he could get his hands on. This film is the real deal. It's told in real time and Greengrass cuts from the commotion on the plane to the confusion on the ground as the realization of what is happening comes to light.
Most of the actors in the film are unknown; very unkown. However, wherever possible, Greengrass used real-life standins. For example, the guy who portrays Capt. Jason Dahl is an actual United pilot. Ben Sliney, the manager of the FAA, plays himself; actual stewardesses are used and the character of Mark Bingham, the passenger anxious to get the revolt started, is played by Cheyenne Jackson, a gay male. Bingham's mom announced that her son Mark was gay after the tragedy occurred.
The most shocking thing about the film is not what's happening in the air but what's happening on the ground. The military, FAA, and communications centers deal with conflicting information, no information, and the right information too late. It's disheartening how unprepared ground control really was. It's also disheartening that the revolt in the air didn't start sooner. However, once the passengers realize the terrorist with the bomb doesn't have an actual bomb, it's anything goes; and it does.
The movie is disturbing and I mentioned earlier that I tried to watch it objectively, however, Greengrass has created such a vivid depiction of the flight that objectivity turns into raw emotion and horror and doesn't go back. At one point I found myself asking, 'What's the point of this?' The point is to present a film that is a testament to the passengers who didn't take the hijacking lying down and Greengrass delivers in that respect; tenfold. While we don't know exactly what happened in that plane, we do know that the passengers foiled the attempts of the terrorists to crash into the White House. The Americans struck back with a valiant attempt at freedom.
peace out,
paul
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Proof of ownership
Imagine you are driving down the road, passenger in the backseat, seat belt buckled, and then bam! you are stopped by the police for transporting someone who's not quite alive. That's what happened to a woman in Berlin when she was fined for disturbing a dead person's peace. The dead person was the woman's mother who had died of natural causes. The woman was transporting her mother's body to save on mortuary transportation fees. Violating burial laws and disturbing a dead person's peace were the official charges. It's not like the mother was going to wake up and protest and she was wearing her seatbelt. The mother was even wearing clothes.
paul
paul
Tinkle, tinkle, little man....
Next month Belgium will be host to the world championships of ice hockey and this statue, Manneken Pis (or as I call it Man I Can Piss or even better, check out my far reaching stream of consciousness), will be wearing a sports uniform. Now this would be great to have in the front yard and lots of fun could be had with it.
Monday, April 24, 2006
I have a lot of respect for people who can sit down everyday and write. I am not that disciplined besides, I haven't felt compelled to write about anything. Besides, Jim commented this morning that my last post was back on the 15; he had an accusatory tone. He was right. Leave it to the entertainment industry to get me out of my funk. I got a newsletter email today announcing the new book by gay writer Augusten Burroughs. The new book, Possible Side Effects, will be out on May 2 and on the writer's website is a trailer of the movie version of his first memoir, Running With Scissors. I truly enjoyed the book and hopefully the director, who is also the creator of the tv show Nip/Tuck, will not ruin the story. It has a great cast: Annette Bening, Brian Cox, Gwyneth Paltrow (ok, she's not great but alright), Jill Clayburgh, Joseph Fiennes (yes, Ralph's little brother), Evan Rachel Wood, Alec Baldin, and Kristin Chenoweth. The character who plays Augusten is a relative newcomer by the name of Joseph Cross. I say relative because he has been in some episodes of more than a few tv shows, including Touched By An Angel, Third Watch, and Smallville. He's also been in several movies, some of which have not yet been released. Running is due out in September after a long drawn out court battle by the Massachusetts family that is depicted in the book. What's really cool is our friends in Massachusetts knows one of the women of the crazy Finch family that is portrayed in the book and is somewhat familiar with the history of the family. One of these days while we are visiting for Thanksgiving, I'll convince them to drive past Burroughs's home and maybe I can catch a glimpse of him. He'll be on the Today show on May 2, the day the book comes out, and I'll be one of the first in line when the movie opens.
peace out,
paul
peace out,
paul
Saturday, April 15, 2006
greedy goblins
A couple in Independence, MO, is probably wishing they had septuplets right now; that would probably be less trouble than what they are in now. They collected more than $3,000 in cash from a local charity and employees at the brake manufacturing plant where Kris Everson worked. He was released on $4,999 bond after it was discovered that he and his wife, Sarah Everson, lied about being parents to six critically ill babies. The couple are being charged with stealing by deceit and could end up in prison for 7 years. The couple said that the babies had been born in March and had to undergo surgery in order to survive. The couple even showed off the nursery set up for the babies and Sarah gained 40 pounds. I want to know how they decided on 6? Why not just say two? Or even one? It kind of sounds like something one would see on Days Of Our Lives. And by the way, what's up with $4,999 for a bond? Why not just round up to an even $5,000?
p
p
Friday, April 14, 2006
This is not a good story for convincing people that gays aren't sick but these three are. Three homosexual lovers from North Carolina have been charged with castrating six men. Police found such items as prosthetic testicles, a coffee can with bloody scalpels (they don't disinfect them?), a freezer full of testicles AND a videocamera and tripod. Apparently the men videotaped the castrations. The three men say that the castrations were consensual. Who in their right mind would agree to be castrated? Maybe that's the problem they weren't in their right minds. All six men were from out of state and one was from out of the country. The men lived in Waynesville, NC, up in the mountains. If this story wasn't so sick and sad, we could insert a Deliverance joke.
paul
paul
Thursday, April 13, 2006
LOGO is the first all-gay, 24-hour channel. Here Tv is a premium network (think HBO and Showtime) that caters to the GLBT community. LOGO opted not to run a pro-gay ad, titled Ejector, put out by the United Church of Christ. LOGO is owned by Viacom which also owns the stations MTV, VH1, Nick at Nite and TVLand. It doesn't make a lot of sense for a gay network NOT to run a pro gay ad. Personally I think LOGO needs to get GO-GOing with the times. Yo, Yo, you hear me, LOGO?
p
p
Word of the Week
Intelligent Designers beware: The discovery of the fishapod, a creature from 375 million years ago with swim fins, gills, interlocking rib cage and wrist like bones, is just one more piece of Darwin's puzzle. Called a fishapod because it has features of fish and four-legged animals (tetrapods), the creature is believed to have swam in the water and even ventured onto land. The fossils were found on Ellesmere Island in Canada and the detailed article can be found in the April 6 issue of Nature. No doubt Darwin is clapping in his grave.
p
p
I'm Back
You may have heard by now that Katie Couric will leave the Today show in May; good for her. I know several people who don't like her but I've always enjoyed watching her. She will anchor the CBS Nightly News, Walter Cronkite's old stomping grounds, and also report on 60 Minutes. Many of Couric's detractors want to paint her as mean or diva-ish and lump her in with other successful women such as Martha Stewart and Rosie O' Donnell. Unlike Rosie and Martha, I don't believe that Katie should be compared with them. She may have her diva moments but if I were in her position, I would certainly channel my inner diva from time to time. Not only that but she's certainly not greedy; she took less money to go to CBS than what NBC was going to offer her. As for whether she can report or not, I think people forget that before she was a Today talker, Couric was a reporter for CNN and a pentagon correspondent for NBC. She can hit the hard news just as well as fan the fluff. And for those of us who enjoy watching the Today show won't have to choose what to watch because now Katie will be on in the evening. I think the ratings of CBS Evening News will rise once Katie starts reporting; how long that rise continues remains to be seen. I do think that a woman news anchor is just what the news world needs right now; I think it's the right time. I do want to know this, however, why didn't NBC tap Ann Curry to replace Katie? She's already on the show and she would be a perfect replacement. Meredith Vieira? Puh-leeze!
peace out,
paul
peace out,
paul
Thursday, April 06, 2006
recommendations
Here are a few things I've read, heard, or seen lately that I think are worth checking out.
I just read the book The Front Runner, the 1974 book that tells the story of gay track coach Harlan Brown whose world is turned upside down when three college runners land at the school where he teaches. Set at an upstate NY college, the story follows Brown's relationship with the three gay, yes gay, runners and the subsequent relationship between him and his star runner, Billy Sive. Brown coaches Sive to the '76 Olympics in Montreal and they fight to protect their relationship from the outside world and fight their way into the Olympics despite their relationship. It's a beautifully written, albeit, weepy love story that deserves to be read. The thing that surprised me most about this book is that it's written by a woman, Patricia Nell Warren. She captures the essence of the gay relationship, including the love scenes, as if she were writing from first-hand knowledge and experience. I recently read an article about how Hollywood is thinking about a film version, in light of the success of Brokeback Mountain, and that Brad Pitt was the choice for Harlan Brown. That would be a big miscast. Other miscasts in upcoming movies is Jennifer Lopez as Sue Ellen and John Travolta as JR Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie. Give me a break, please!!!!!
Music to my ears: Casting Crowns is my favorite Christian group and they hit another home run with their latest song, Praise You In This Storm. It's about still praising God and believing and not turning your back on God, even when it's hard and life throws the lumps at you.
The other song I'm liking is Cascada's song Everytime We Touch, a pop dance hit that hits on the weak-kneed feeling of being in your loved one's arms again and again just like it's the first time.
peace out,
paul
I just read the book The Front Runner, the 1974 book that tells the story of gay track coach Harlan Brown whose world is turned upside down when three college runners land at the school where he teaches. Set at an upstate NY college, the story follows Brown's relationship with the three gay, yes gay, runners and the subsequent relationship between him and his star runner, Billy Sive. Brown coaches Sive to the '76 Olympics in Montreal and they fight to protect their relationship from the outside world and fight their way into the Olympics despite their relationship. It's a beautifully written, albeit, weepy love story that deserves to be read. The thing that surprised me most about this book is that it's written by a woman, Patricia Nell Warren. She captures the essence of the gay relationship, including the love scenes, as if she were writing from first-hand knowledge and experience. I recently read an article about how Hollywood is thinking about a film version, in light of the success of Brokeback Mountain, and that Brad Pitt was the choice for Harlan Brown. That would be a big miscast. Other miscasts in upcoming movies is Jennifer Lopez as Sue Ellen and John Travolta as JR Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie. Give me a break, please!!!!!
Music to my ears: Casting Crowns is my favorite Christian group and they hit another home run with their latest song, Praise You In This Storm. It's about still praising God and believing and not turning your back on God, even when it's hard and life throws the lumps at you.
The other song I'm liking is Cascada's song Everytime We Touch, a pop dance hit that hits on the weak-kneed feeling of being in your loved one's arms again and again just like it's the first time.
peace out,
paul
MANDIVA!!!!!!!!!
Jim and I cannot believe that Mandisa had the lowest number of votes on American Idol. The public voted and she had the least number. Yes, it's true, she did not pick the best song, however, there were others whose choices were worse and they should have gotten the least number of votes. What a shocker!
p
p
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Hump Day Funnies
These are funny and, if you watch movies, you'll see they are true. My favorite is #32
50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE BIG SCREEN...
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE BIG SCREEN...
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Want to be the face of McDonald's? Go to www.mcdglobalcasting.com to submit your story about what you love along with a digital photo capturing the essence of the story. Up to 25 winners will be selected and their face will be featured on McDonald's packaging in more than 100 countries. Hopefully they will change up the faces so we don't have to have just one face staring up at us for months and months. Either that or it will give stalkers a new obsession.
paul
paul
I survived my first Sunday sermon and I wasn't even nervous. I thought it went well and I felt good about it. I didn't lose my place and the mistakes I did make were minor. I'm not sure if this is a new calling for me, however, I certainly would not be averse to preaching again. I certainly don't think I'm ready for preaching at a bigger venue such as a pride service or a conference so I'll stick to the Sunday church service.
peace out,
paul
peace out,
paul
Sunday, April 02, 2006
weekly post-March 31, 2006
Hello friends & loved ones,
It's that time of year again, the time in which we lose an hour of precious sleep. Yes, tonight before you go to bed, make sure to set your clocks one hour ahead. Spring forward if you will; just don't break a leg doing it (haha, I kill me).
This past week started out chilly and yesterday was positively sweltering; it wasn't really hot but it felt hot in the 70's because of the chilly weather we had been having.
Not April Fools: If someone had told me a year ago that I would be preaching, I would have laughed them out of the room. I was installed as a Deacon in January and when all of the Deacons got together for our first meeting, Jim went around the room and asked each Deacon to name one gift they felt called to do. When it came time for me to say what I felt called to do, the words were out of my mouth before I even realized I was speaking, "I think preaching." I was mortified and right on the spot, Jim picked a date for me to preach. That date is this Sunday, the first day of daylight savings time (not that the two are significant to each other). This will be my second sermon; the first was in front of the deacon class. This one will be in front of the whole church and it's eerie but I'm not quite as nervous as I thought I would be. Tomorrow may be different but it feels like this is what I want to do; to share my stories and inspire people. All I want out of it is for the message to be powerful. What are you called to do? We are all called to do something and we each have gifts to share with others. Part of the journey is figuring out what those gifts are. Happy hunting.
It's that time of year again, the time in which we lose an hour of precious sleep. Yes, tonight before you go to bed, make sure to set your clocks one hour ahead. Spring forward if you will; just don't break a leg doing it (haha, I kill me).
This past week started out chilly and yesterday was positively sweltering; it wasn't really hot but it felt hot in the 70's because of the chilly weather we had been having.
Not April Fools: If someone had told me a year ago that I would be preaching, I would have laughed them out of the room. I was installed as a Deacon in January and when all of the Deacons got together for our first meeting, Jim went around the room and asked each Deacon to name one gift they felt called to do. When it came time for me to say what I felt called to do, the words were out of my mouth before I even realized I was speaking, "I think preaching." I was mortified and right on the spot, Jim picked a date for me to preach. That date is this Sunday, the first day of daylight savings time (not that the two are significant to each other). This will be my second sermon; the first was in front of the deacon class. This one will be in front of the whole church and it's eerie but I'm not quite as nervous as I thought I would be. Tomorrow may be different but it feels like this is what I want to do; to share my stories and inspire people. All I want out of it is for the message to be powerful. What are you called to do? We are all called to do something and we each have gifts to share with others. Part of the journey is figuring out what those gifts are. Happy hunting.
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