Friday, June 30, 2006

Devil Drama

First of all, I want to say, if someone is going to see a movie, any movie, they should at least know the name of it. I went to see this with two girls from church and while I was waiting for them to arrive I found myself half-amused/irritated that some people buying tickets for this movie couldn't get the whole title out. One man bought the ticket for, "The Devil Wears, whatever it wears." Another woman bought a ticket for, "The Devil movie." It's called THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. Having said that, Meryl Streep does it again. She has hit a homerun as Miranda Priestley, the dragon-lady boss at fictional fashion magazine Runway, in the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Adapted from Lauren Weisberger's book, Devil tells of Andrea Sachs (played by Anne Hathaway of Brokeback Mountain and Princess Diaries fame), recently graduated from Northwestern, who really wants to be a writer but decides that working for NYC's most in demand and scariest boss is the way to open up doors to her writing career. If she works for Priestley for a year then she can get a job practically anywhere she wants. The book version of Priestley is meaner and scarier. In the hands of Streep, however, Priestley is shown to have more of a human side and Streep never goes over the top; it's certainly a role in which over the top would be quite easy. That's precisely the reason why the climactic scene is more subdued, kinder and disappointing. In the book, Andrea makes sure that Miranda gets her comeuppance in front of everyone. The denouement from the book has also been changed.

In terms of adaptations, it's not bad and if you are a fan of Streep then you won't be disappointed. Streep is by far the best actress currently working. It's still too soon to say that this role could earn her a 14th Oscar nod, however, it's not outside the realm of possibility. However, I think that there will be a number of more memorable roles that will push her out of the competition; unless she outdoes herself later this year.

peace,

paul

Thursday, June 29, 2006

lazy cat 2


A pic of Casper, the naughty and bratty cat. Of course this pic would have one believe that he is more innocent than a newborn.

lazy cat 1


A pic of Perry stretching it all out.

here kitty, kitty



A picture of our two "innocent" cats, Perry (left) and Casper. They were resting and I made them open their eyes for this shot.

Well, DUH!!!

Back in 1996 the Pentagon put homosexuality on a list of mental disorders. Ten years later, homosexuality has been removed from that list. Homosexuality was on the list alongside other conditions such as mental retardation and personality disorders. The list, which was updated as current only three years ago, will no longer include homosexuality as the Pentagon now says, "it should not have been characterized as a mental disorder in an appendix of a procedural instruction." Even the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its list of disorders back in 1973. Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, this won't change the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

I think the military would be in worse shape than it is now if all of the gays and lesbians were to just stop serving. Sometimes, I imagine what that would be like; take that you bigots.

peace,

paul

weekly post from January 14, 2006

The "day after Friday the 13th" edition

Hey friends & loved ones,

This past week was uneventful and relatively quiet.Yesterday was Friday the 13th and it got me thinking more about my personal beliefs and how those beliefs shape me as a person, friend, lover, spouse, etc... I spent most of last week and part of this week working on my assignment for deacon class. I've also spent a lot of time reflecting on who I am and trying to better myself. I had to come to terms with the fact that things happen that we have no control over and they force us to view people differently; even people who are close to us. It's how we then treat those people after realizing they are fallible and human that becomes the important issue. Do we judge? Do we continue to love them and accept them as imperfect? Do we ignore them? Do we embrace them? I had to answer those questions which is not always easy when it becomes a matter of someone doing something that doesn't match up with our own principles and beliefs. No one is perfect and it's not easy trying to maintain a Christian attitude in today's world; but it's important to make every effort to do so. One other area I've been working on is my writing voice, especially my blog. I enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings on things and if people read those thoughts then that is great, however, I've found myself tweaking and editing and trying to figure out just how I want to write and be heard. It's really a work in progress, for me anyway. I think that can sum us up as humans as well; a work in progress. We evolve and shed and recreate in order to be true to ourselves and our own lives.

Until next week continue to pray for each other as I pray for each of you. Stay safe, stay happy, and stay healthy.

paul

weekly post from April 8, 2006

Hello friends & loved ones,

We survived Daylight Savings Time, however, it really does take at least a couple of days to get back into the rhythm of things. Jim and I are always surprised how much it messes us up. And next year it will start the 2nd week of March and end the first week of November.

It's a chilly 33 degrees here in Western, NY on April 8. I took off the electric blanket during the last week of March and the next day I put it back on where it is still laying today. Enough with the cold weather bring on the warm weather; it's taking so long. It sometimes seems like the things we want take a long time to come to fruition. It's that way with change in people too. People say they want to change or we wish someone were different, however, that person can only change when they are ready. Someone saying they want to change doesn't mean anything until they actually start to change.

Last Sunday I survived my first Sunday sermon and I was not even nervous. It was very surreal. I made a couple of very small mistakes but I didn't lose my place and I even managed to venture out from behind the podium. I did that to impress Jim; I had to do something to try and impress him after 6 years. I got some good feedback and while I would not be averse to preaching again, I certainly don't think of it as a new calling. For anyone who hasn't yet read the text of the sermon, I've attached a copy to this email. Feel free to read it and of course comments, good or otherwise, are always welcome. The ad-libbing I did is not included in the text; I was a theatre minor in college, of course I had to ad-lib. The most surprising part of the sermon: I preached longer than Jim usually preaches. According to Jim he preaches about 12-13mins, I preached over 15mins. I really stepped out of my comfort zone on this one. I've done public speaking before but never in a church, preaching a sermon to congregants who may not be ready to hear what I'm saying. Now it's your turn; do something that takes you out of YOUR comfort zone. It's liberating and exhilarating.

weekly post from April 1, 2006

The "no, it's not an April Fool's joke" edition

Hello friends & loved ones,

It's that time of year again, the time in which we lose an hour of precious sleep. Yes, tonight before you go to bed, make sure to set your clocks one hour ahead. Spring forward if you will; just don't break a leg doing it (haha, I kill me).

This past week started out chilly and yesterday was positively sweltering; it wasn't really hot but it felt hot in the 70's because of the chilly weather we had been having.

Not April Fools: If someone had told me a year ago that I would be preaching, I would have laughed them out of the room. I was installed as a Deacon in January and when all of the Deacons got together for our first meeting, Jim went around the room and asked each Deacon to name one gift they felt called to do. When it came time for me to say what I felt called to do, the words were out of my mouth before I even realized I was speaking, "I think preaching." I was mortified and right on the spot, Jim picked a date for me to preach. That date is this Sunday, the first day of daylight savings time (not that the two are significant to each other). This will be my second sermon; the first was in front of the deacon class. This one will be in front of the whole church and it's eerie but I'm not quite as nervous as I thought I would be. Tomorrow may be different but it feels like this is what I want to do; to share my stories and inspire people. All I want out of it is for the message to be powerful. What are you called to do? We are all called to do something and we each have gifts to share with others. Part of the journey is figuring out what those gifts are. Happy hunting.

weekly post from June 24, 2006

Hello friends & loved ones,

We survived another week and yesterday my spouse and I went to a wonderful Lebanese restaurant called Oasis. The food is terrifically spiced and we leave feeling we had just enough food. Today we spent most of the day at a gay campground called Jones Pond. It's only 15mins from our house and last year was the first time that we went to the campground. Jim has lived in the area for 28 years and he had never been to the campground before. I guess I should be thankful for that. We had a fabulous time at the campground and I was my usual bubbly self. I even got to play some volleyball; I'm really rusty.

Yesterday, we were going to see the movie Click but we just couldn't muster the enthusiasm but next week I will be reviewing the movie The Devil Wears Prada.

I wanted to write something "deep" and "meaningful" this week but I decided I'll just keep it light and fun; kind of like the day we had today. I can always do deep next week.

I'm really enjoying the "new" me. I keep surprising myself at how far I'm willing to push myself outside of my comfort zone and how uninhibited I am. How far outside of YOUR comfort zone are you?

Do something new this weekend, something you've never done before.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, stay safe, stay happy and stay healthy.

love,

paul

weekly post from June 17, 2006

"Fading flower's flown far from here" edition

Hello friends & loved ones,

It's a hot and oppressive heat day in Western, NY. I met a friend for breakfast at IHOP and Jim had a funeral after which we were to go see the movie The Lake House but it was already 2:30 and neither one of us really had an huge desire to see it (it's a better DVD movie, I'm sure) so we ended up coming home. Now we are just relaxing and trying to stay cool.

We had dinner with the "mother of the church" (my title for the deacon who gave Jim and me our first communion prayer) and her "no-nonsense, no mincing words" partner. I have to tell you it's extremely refreshing being in the company of people who tell it like it is and don't put up with all the b.s. that people like to roll around in. I noticed this past week that I've changed; credit it to living with Jim for 6 years, my growing up, just becoming wiser, or all three but it's a change that I've been aware of since my 30th birthday. It's been a gradual and tentative change as if I needed to become accustomed to it slowly, grow into it. This past week I noticed that the change has taken on a life of its own; I don't want to mince words anymore, I don't want to deal with childish and immature behavior, I don't want to hold back and, likewise, I don't want people to hold back with me nor do I expect them to put up with any childish behavior that I may exhibit. It's weird, I've got a new found confidence and assertiveness that I'm still getting used to. It's kind of like being behind the wheel of a really fast sports car while at the same time getting used to all of the controls. It's really an exhilarating feeling.

weekly post from June 10, 2006

"It's just another week" edition

Howdy friends, loved ones, & pardners:

Sorry, I guess I'm still in country-western mode; between the movie The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and the singing cowboys in A Prairie Home Companion, I'm feeling like I'm in the wild west.

We've had some crazy weather this week. It was rainy and cool, even chilly as temps got down into the 40's some nights. Today is a bit cool but we just went out to the local Shur-Fine (or, as I like to say, shurr-fiiine) and the sun came out and Jim remarked what a pretty evening it was. We had a lazy day today which was very very nice. We went outside for a bit to do some cutting of weeds and take some concrete blocks apart. I myself got up at 5 this morning and then went back to bed around 6:30 and didn't get back up until after 2pm. Talk about a slug. I'll work it off singing and praising in church tomorrow. We watched the movie Glory Road about the Texas Western basketball team that made NCAA history in 1966. It was a so-so movie and at the end Jim asked me, as he always does at the end of sports movies, "What possessed you to rent a sports movie?" Because it has Josh Lucas. Because it has that chick from Bones. I don't know.

Tonight Jim has to make hummus for church tomorrow. After church we are having a little cookout to celebrate the people who helped make our garage sale such a success. Hopefully the weather will be nice. And hopefully your Saturday evening is turning out splendidly and your Sunday will be even better.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

hump day humor

50 ways to offend everyone.

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids, And Our Voting Skills

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes, Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt
Michigan
First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,You Have The Right To An Attorney, And No Right To Self Defense

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas
Don't Mess with Texas

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really

Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

big day

Superman Returns opens today and while I would like to see the film, I'm going to wait. I will definitely see it, I just don't know if I'll see it on the big screen. Another character from the world of written page made news yesterday; Harry Potter is back in the news. The fifth film, Order Of The Phoenix, won't be out until next summer but there's already talk of what will happen in the 7th and final book. No word on when the book will be released but speculation is that it will come out around the same time as the movie and Rowling supposedly wrote the final chapter years ago. At least two characters will die in the book, Rowling has said and mysteriously hinted that Harry may be one of them. I'm all giddy with excitement and will be sad when the book has been read. For there are to be no more......

peace,

paul

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Great Scot

I'm part Scottish and I'm proud to say that in Glasgow and Edinburgh gay civic partnerships made up one in five weddings in the first three months of this year. Scotland introduced the new legislation in December of last year and since then 350 gay couples have wed.


peace,

paul

Friday, June 23, 2006



Only in NYC!!!!


Ewwww!!! Scrape that up? Like, I don't think soooooooo.....


Oops!!!
In case you are unable to make out the caption, it reads:

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Firstly, I'd like to thank you for choosing to fly Mandarin Airlines. As we taxi out of the runway please make yourself comfortable...and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane...please look to your LEFT!


And the cigarette you're puffing away on is safe?

DVD of the week

My spouse and I were going to go see the new movie Click today but we just couldn't muster the enthusiasm to go see it on the big screen; it's definitely a DVD movie. In the meantime, we rented the film End Of The Spear, newly out on video. Spear, which is based on a true story, came out earlier this year amidst controversy by the religious right over gay actor Chad Allen's casting in the lead role. He plays the head missionary, Nate Saint, one of five guys who hope to integrate themselves into the Waodani tribe in order to facilitate peace in Ecuador. The five are killed and as a result the women of the men live with the tribe to show them that not all foreigners are killers. The Waodani tribe were notorious for their killing of each other. Chad Allen does a good job and the movie is excellent; it's definitely a must see. I've also included a link to a website of the film for a better idea of the timeline that the film covers. The music is haunting and beautiful and while there are a few moments that are almost too overly sentimental, it's a wonderfully directed film that is truly touching. Rent it today.

Here's the link for the film. http://www.endofthespear.com/

peace,

paul

Thursday, June 22, 2006

joke

My thanks to my friend Francine for this.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord." "Thank you!" the woman responds. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Sing it again, Chung (silently this time)

http://www.drunkreport.com/reports/connie.chung.sings.htm

Check out Connie Chung as an "American Idol" reject wannabe. With the cancellation of hers and Maury's show, Connie celebrated with song. The big question now is, "Was she drunk or just high on cancellation?"

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sunday funny 2

BREAKING NEWS!

In an attempt to thwart the worldwide spread of bird flu, American President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.

Sunday funny


My Neighbor doesn't like my bush so I trimmed it.

Friday, June 16, 2006

delightful DVD

A terrific and charming movie to check out this weekend is the small film The World's Fastest Indian. It tells of Burt Munro's travels from New Zealand to Utah to compete in setting a land speed record. Anthony Hopkins plays Munro at times sharper than a tack and others a doddering fool. The real Munro set a land speed record on an Indian motorcycle at the Bonneville salt flats and the fish out of water story as Munro becomes accustomed to life in America is well done and quite funny at times. Hopkins is sometimes underrated as an actor but this movie shows that he's still quite compelling and has got it going on. It's a wonderfully picaresque film and it somewhat restores the faith of people in America; we're not all rude and cynical. The race scenes are exhilarating and it's not overly sentimental. It's a must see for fans of Hopkins or good stories.

peace,

paul

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Heretic Sessions, Part II

I'm so tired of adults acting immaturely and like babies. If someone is upset with me about something or if I've slighted someone and I don't realize it, I want them to come to ME and tell me. Then we can have a dialogue like adults. I don't want to hear it second-hand. I can't stand gossiping. I'm not a prude by any means, however, if I have something to say to someone, I'll go to that person. What's this just getting all mad or in a huff and telling somone, "Oh, I'm mad at that person, I'm not going to have anything to do with them." And then storm off. That kind of behavior pisses ME off. People who are supposed to be adult all of a sudden start acting like 3-year-olds. How absolutely disgusting.

Let's take responsibility for our behavior and be the big person we have grown up to be.

peace & a grown-up,

paul

Super Religion

Here's a neat theory: Your favorite superhero is religious. www.beliefnet.com has created a chart that lists the faith of each superhero. For example, Superman could be a Jew. He did come to life from two Jewish cartoonists and battled the Nazis. Also, he's compared to the golem myth by some scholars. Don't worry, he's not Jewish, he's believed to be Methodist. Meanwhile, the Thing is a Jew and Batman is either a lapsed Roman Catholic or Episcopalian.

Check out the chart to see what your favorite superhero is.

http://www.beliefnet.com/features/comicbookfaith.html

peace,

paul

biting bitch

Ann Coulter, the vicious-mouthed, vile Republican has struck again. This woman is either one of the biggest idiots on earth or she just likes to see how shocking she can be. Here's a direct quote from her new book, "Godless:The Church Of Liberalism."

"These broads are millionaires...reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

What is this broad smoking? Who in their right mind would be happy that their husband died, and in a fiery plane crash no less? Where does she get her information? I admit I've read a couple of her books just to see what she has to say and it's not much. I think she needs to move to Afghanistan and live with all of the other extremists.

peace,

paul

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Our hard earned money at work

$300 on adult erotica (Girls Gone Wild videos), a 70 day stay in Hawaii, a sex change operation, $600 at a strip club, $200 bottle of champagne at Hooters. These are just some of the charges made with debit cards that FEMA gave out to help victims of hurricanes Katrina and Rita, ratcheting up a debt of over 1 billion dollars. Some people even admitted to having property that were just vacant lots. Yeah, I just lost everything and don't even have clothes to wear so I think I'll go out and buy a $200 bottle of champagne and while I'm out I'll just become a woman. Damn, what's wrong with people? How greedy and dishonest can one get? Pretty dishonest and greedy according to this. I'd be out buying a new car with all the bells and whistles, a new house, etc, etc.


Read the whole story.


http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/06/14/fema.audit/index.html

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060614/ap_on_go_co/katrina_fraud

peace,

paul

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Heretic Sessions, Part I

I heard something recently that set my teeth on edge and I had to bite my tongue because I was in the role of deacon. A woman who lost her spouse a year ago was feeling anguish and sadness because the anniversary of the woman's death was approaching. She kept asking, "How could God take her from me?" I was sympathetic; I'm not a complete cold-hearted bastard and yet I couldn't help realize that this is probably the mainstream thinking. God kills people; God makes people sick; God does this to me. I don't believe it, not for a second. I believe in God and think God is there as more of a spiritual advisor; someone who will never judge, never turn away from us, never use anger to get back at us. I certainly don't think of God as someone picking and choosing what to do and whom to do it to. We are only human, we're going to get sick. We can be as healthy in every part of our living as possible and still have the genetic makeup that will cause us to get a disease or a sickness. We're human; our bodies can only withstand so much before they give out. Look at our athletes, look at what they do to their bodies every year. Why do you think that athletes don't play their sport forever? As for evil and corruption, free will is to blame for that. Every day we have the choice to do what is right and virtuous or to steal, cheat, lie and even murder. That is the choice each person has every single day; simple as that.

This woman was also upset because she has been unable to find another lover. I just wanted to tell her that she'd never find someone while she's in the place of comparing everyone new to her former spouse, while she's still grieving her spouse, and while she is still a mess inside. We must be ready to receive gifts before we can receive them. That's really not difficult to understand.
Maybe one day we'll all just get it.

peace,

paul

Down on the Prairie

A Prairie Home Companion is this week's movie. The film is a performance, the last performance before the theatre is torn down, of a radio show that has played for decades at the Fitzgerald Theater. During the movie we get to see the characters sing, dance, play their own instruments and some backstage drama as well. The movie, shot mostly at the actual Fitzgerald in Minnesota, features Kevin Kline as Guy Noir; Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep as the Johnson sisters, a duo who used to be a quartet; Lindsay Lohan as Streep's daughter; Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly as cowboys Dusty & Lefty, respectively; Maya Rudolph as the stage manager and, of course, Garrison Keillor who plays GK. The film is entertaining enough and has some really catchy songs, especially one called Bad Jokes, which is sung by the cowboys. The cast is aware that this is to be their last show but try to make the best of it. However, when something tragic happens to one of the cast members an even bigger pall is cast over the show. There are some strange things in this movie including Tommy Lee Jones as the axeman. He is the man who bought the theater and is planning on turning it into a parking lot. He shows up very briefly and then leaves; couldn't he have done his business over the phone like everyone else? Another pointless character is the Dangerous Woman, played by Virginia Madsen. She's an angel, ok. She walks around with a dazed look on her face like she's trying to figure out which movie set she's supposed to be on. Keillor, on the other hand, is captivating. He commands the screen by hardly doing anything except talking. If you are familiar with the Prairie Home Companion radio show, you'll know what to expect. Directed by prolific helmsman, Robert Altma, the film moves along briskly and even uses some of the actual musicians and performers from the radio program. Disappointing, however, is the fact that there are no mini dialogue skits and no skits featuring catsup, one of the sponsors. The jingle is mysteriously absent too. That is one of my favorite parts of the radio broadcast. I don't see this being a big hit, maybe not even a medium sized hit but the cast is good and there are worse movies one could sit through.

peace,

paul
My thanks to Christopher for sending this one. Sad but true.


In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked andover-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire onlyUnion workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
My thanks to my friend Naida for sending this. My favorite is the last one. Rooney would be Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes.

1. Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

3. Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs $40,000 a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Rooney on Fabric Softeners. My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Rooney on morning differences. Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. !

6. Rooney on 'cripes' My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you! wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Rooney on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love'." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
al-Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed this past week and cheers and applause were all the show. I can understand that people would be glad that al-Zarqawi is no longer a threat, however, do we really need to celebrate the death of someone? Especially on national tv. Of course, speculation abounds that one of al-Zarqawi's comrades will take his place and the fight is far from over; insurgents are still all over the place and bombings are still a daily occurrence.

In other news, the Senate failed to get the votes to pass a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage and Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy summed it up nicely. Why are they wasting their time on an amendment to ban same-sex marriage when there are plenty of other more pressing issues plaguing the nation. Don't get me wrong I believe in same-sex marriage, however, I don't think there should be an amendment either way. I believe it should be up to the states.

peace,

paul