Friday, July 31, 2009

Oh, the horror!!!

Poor Michelle Obama must be wringing her hands like there is no tomorrow. She discovered sludge in her organic garden. "Girls, eat your muddy vegetables now!" will no doubt be heard ringing throughout the White House walls.

Apparently the sludge soldiers were none other than the Clintons (emit collective gasp here). Yes, it's common practice to use sludge which is just the use of sewage for fertilizer but now she'll have a heck of a time explaining to dignitaries just what that goop is on the tomatoes.

peace,

paul

P-U, oh, you smell good?

It was just another day at the Bank Of America on N. Beach St. in Ft. Worth, Texas, when the hazardous material unit, fire department and ambulances were called to the scene because of a noxious odor. Officials were originally told it was carbon monoxide but the real culprit is far more wily and malodorous...it was the putried smell of perfume. Yes, one co-worker's perfume (scent unknown) sent 34 people to the hospital and sent a wave of hysteria among the 1,800 to 2,200 employees in the building.

All I can say is that perfume must have been laced with garlic.

peace,

paul

Sand Swiper

Oh, please, say it ain't so...Some silly's been stealing the sand again and it has tourists in Cancun seeing, not white, but red. Yes, hundreds of feet of Mexico's white hot beach was cordoned off with police tape on Thursday because one of the beach's hotels was using a pump to siphon sand from the sea floor. The hotel in trouble is the Gran Caribe Real Hotel and the charges allege that they were illegally pumping sand and also built a breakwater which prevents sand from getting to the other hotels. In 2005, after hurrican Wilma, Mexico spent $19 million, yes, million dollars to replace the sand lost in the aftermath of the storm.



Let this be a warning to those with the little glass jars who want to take a little piece of paradise home with them...DON'T!



peace,



paul

Chit Chattin' the night away...

What do the President, a police officer and a scholarly professor all have in common? No, this is not the setup to a bad joke...President Obama made good on his offer to share a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr and police Sgt. Joseph Crowley. The three sat around on Thursday evening discussing the important topics that keep us all up at night such as "why is the grass green?", "what happens to clouds at night?", and the ever popular "just what is the sound of one hand clapping?" In between those riveting discussions they also focused on the issue of race and, while agreeing to disagree (Crowley and Gates), they did come to the conclusion that this is a good learning experience and that moving forward is best. Hopefully next time President Obama wants to stick his two cents into something like this, he will choose better words than saying police "acted stupidly."

Both parties are guilty of overreacting and not listening to each other. This is a situation that got completely out of hand because two people were both trying to prove something...that they were each right. By the way, the original 911 call made no mention of race, something else that is of significance here.

Of course, there is something else that can be learned-if your door becomes jammed when you are trying to unlock it, maybe it's time for a new door. And there's still no word on whether there were free refills at the "beer summit."

peace,

paul

Friday, July 10, 2009

Frowning Flag

What exactly does an upside down flying flag mean, anyway? It doesn't mean that one is unpatriotic (hello, George W!). Instead it means a sign of distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property. It's a sign that dates back to before the 1900's. A man in Wausau, Wisconsin decided to fly his American flag upside down on Independence Day of all days. Police officers "stormed" his property and removed the flag only to return it a day later. They probably didn't really storm, instead they probably moved very fast (like Jason moved in the Friday the 13th movies).

Vito Congine Jr. is considering legal action for violating his first amendment rights. He flew the flag upside down because he was distressed after spending almost $200,000 to buy and remodel a downtown building for an Italian supper club and being denied a liquor license. Oh, so, this is all about not being able to drink???? Apparently the other people in town thought that Congine meant disrespect (TEETOTALERS!!!!!!).

Hello, can't we all just get along? I will say this, however, what a PERFECT day to fly the flag upside down!!!!

peace,

paul

Peep-A-Boo

Just when you thought you'd heard of everything, something new and unexpected comes along. This fall, in National Harbor, Maryland, a new store will open called Peeps & Co. No, it's not a cousin of Hooters, nor does it feature scantily clad women. Instead the scantily clad items will be peeps. Yes, those lovable (and squishy) marshmallow delights will have their own store. Other items such Hot Tamales and Mike & Ikes will also be available but the main attraction will be those multi-colored bunnies. There will even be Peeps dressed as the Village People and Peep pens will be sold.

Hey, why stop at the Village People? Why not Wolverine or Spock peeps? How about peeps dressed as Britney Spears? Oooh, Simon Cowell peeps. Now that's one peep a number of people would love to take a bite out of!

peace,

paul

A new visitor at the peak

History has been made yet again and this time right here on the East coast. Another living thing made it to the top of the highest peak this side of the Atlantic and it wasn't a human. No, it was....Josh, the camel. Yes, this humped creature made it all the way up the mountain and apparently back down again. He of course was guided by a mere human (at least we know who's boss in this relationship). Stay tuned because next week an elephant will climb Kilimanjaro.

peace,

paul

The Salmon of Sperm

There's one pool you probably don't want to go swimming in; apparently it's in Egypt. A woman from Poland is suing an Egyptian hotel because her 13-year-old daughter became pregnant while the two of them were on holiday...From swimming in the hotel's pool! The mother's argument is that her daughter became impregnated by stray sperm that were swimming around in the pool. I wonder if they were doing the breaststroke or the freestyle swim. Besides being gross, this story is absolutely asinine. I feel bad for the lawyer who has to represent the mother and I want to know how the daughter kept a straight face when she told her mother that's how she became pregnant.


Too bad it couldn't be true those sperm could be getting some gold medals right now.

peace,

paul