water-logged

Because I am a glutton for blood and carnage; because I thought the wave in The Perfect Storm was lame; because I wanted to see another gay character; because the original wasn't cheesy enough. If you guessed that these are all reasons I went to see the movie Poseidon, then advance to the head of the class and pick out a gold star. I know it's a remake and it does have some very cheesy lines, however, there are a few exciting moments in director Wolfgang Petersen's (The Perfect Storm, Troy) remake of the 1972 original; including a freaky underwater death. This movie tries so hard to be cool and hip right down to the dropping of the words The and Adventure in the title; it doesn't succeed. As in the original, a rogue wave (the movie's definition for it, not mine) hits a cruise ship and causes it to literally turn 180 degrees. Several passengers (the ones that didn't perish) must find their way to the top, sorry bottom, of the ship before it completely sinks. If you couldn't wrap your mind around the down is up and up is down idea in the original, you won't in this one either. The film does have one thing going for it; it's a relatively short film, only an hour and thirty-eight minutes. The wave hits a mere 16 minutes into the film. It even has a "Shelly Winters moment." If you've seen the original, you know what I'm referring to. However, my mind did still wander many times during the movie, thinking, why am I watching this;especially in the wake of the disasters of Katrina and the disaster in Indonesia. I was also re-casting the movie in my head and instead of using mediocre Hollywood stars such as Kurt Russell, Mia Maestro, Josh Lucas and Andre Braugher, I used Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts and Will Smith. I'll break it down below.

In the Kurt Russell role as the former mayor of NY and the over-protective father I would cast Jim Carrey. In the Emmy Rossum role of the daughter of Russell's character and newly engaged beauty I would cast Scarlett Johansson. In the Mike Vogel role, the fiancee of Rossum's character and the "young hunk stud" I would cast Jake Gyllenhaal. In the Jimmy Bennett role, the kid who gets lost because he can't stay with his mother, I would cast Dakota Fanning. In the Mia Maestro role, the stowaway on her way to see her sick brother, I would cast Julia Roberts. In the Andre Braugher role, the captain of the ship who bites it, I would cast Will Smith. In the Jacinda Barrett role, the mother who screams and becomes hysterical at the drop of a hat, I would cast Sandra Bullock. In the Richard Dreyfuss role (yes, he plays the requisite gay character which is further proof that "we" have completely invaded the pop culture) the man who is thinking of suicide because his lover left him for another man, I would cast Will Ferrell. And in the Josh Lucas role, the brash, take charge leader, I would cast Adam Sandler. Check local listings for showtimes.

peace,

paul